Why You Don’t See Anxiety When You Look At Me

Storytime: I’m sitting, talking with a friend about my recent decision to start a blog when they, without hesitation, say,

I never would picture you with anxiety.

There it is. The one sentence that I, in my head, roll my eyes at. Yes, my sinful nature is for sure coming out. Anytime, I reveal that I have diagnosed anxiety I’m hit with that sentence or at least something similar. Pretty sure anyone who has anxiety, depression, etc knows what I’m talking about. (You can silently raise your hand now.)

You? You have anxiety? But, you’re always so fun-loving and outgoing? You just don’t seem like you’d have anxiety. 

Welp, I do.

Question: When did mental health go from your inner thoughts and how they affect your life to it’s only serious if you start to have physical symptoms? Isn’t that the whole point of mental health. The issue starts inside and potentially reaches outwardly. It’s your daily thoughts and views. It’s not just the cutting, the binge-eating, or the nail-biting, etc. It’s your outlook on your own life. It’s the way you perceive yourself and others around you.

When you see me you don’t see my inner thoughts. You can’t see the sweat on my palms. Unless you look insanely close. You can’t see my pulse jump up and my breath going shallow. You don’t realize that the moment I walk into a room I’ve already had three or four thoughts on how things could go south. You don’t see my thoughts on if I have enough money to spend on a cup of coffee when I know full well I can, in multiple different forms, yet still second guess myself. You don’t see me scan the room for the nearest exit. You think I’m just looking around. You, unfortunately, can’t read my mind.

On the outside, I look like I’m having a great time. I’m chatting and laughing. You don’t see me hiding it. Honestly, unless you know my tendencies or are my husband who can read me like a book, you’d have no idea. You see, I’ve disguised and hidden it so well I sometimes even forget that it’s, in fact, anxiety that’s stopping me towards living my dreams.

My anxiety…

Is disguised in my controlling features.

Is disguised in my need to be OCD.

Is disguised in my need to know all the details.

Is disguised in my words like I’m tired, I’m exhausted, I’m just not feeling it today.

Is hidden in my humor and in my smile.

Is hidden in my need to strive for greatness.

I’m saying all this to say this…

The next time you’re met with someone who actually admits they even have a mental health issue please don’t stereotype them. It takes a lot just for people to even admit they are struggling. Don’t put them in a corner. Don’t assume that in order to have anxiety, depression, etc it needs to look a certain way.

Honestly, I believe more mental health issues would be solved faster and more effectively if we dropped the stigma of what mental health is supposed to look like.

God didn’t create us, fearfully and wonderfully, so that we could put a stigma on our friends. So when your friend opens up to you talk to them, ask questions if you’re curious, let them know you’re here for them, but most importantly don’t put them in a box.